The Day Changer

Do you like how I posted this earlier and then took it off? I know, I know... I am a huge chicken. I just wasn't expecting this all to happen today, but I am determined to be honest even if its not what anyone wants to hear... even if its not what I want to hear.

Truth is stranger than fiction. It hasn't even been a week since I last posted about Bud, since I admitted that in fact he is one of the last remaining ghosts to be driven out. I have known it for a while now. Though this process is happening to the world page by page, deceptively moving forward by daily leaps and bounds, the truth is that the healing is slow, tedious work. I pulled the bandage off of my Bud wound months and months ago, but all I did was peek at it and put the bandage right back on - "Ooh... infected. Well, cover that mess back up."

I have been popping Tums all afternoon, pacing back and forth trying to decide what I should do. You see, Bud is in town. Right now. In my town - like, minutes from where I live - so I have to make a decision today. How should I move forward? Do I see him or do I ignore him? Am I ready to confront all of this? I was not expecting to make a decision like this today... on a Monday... when I need to go to the grocery store and plan for my week and now there is this huge thing skulking around my brain. I have been spending so much time thinking of him lately that its just eerie for him to show up now. I'm a little blindsided by the timing, but maybe that's the best way to handle it. I've worked enough on my emotional health to be able to see him for a miniute or two, let him meet the kids. A part of me feels like I am moving forward towards a train wreck; the other half of me feels like its a positive step in my recovery and healing. I'd like to be able to think of Bud without feeling like I want to kick a wall or cry in my pillow or be sick. I can't keep it buried it forever. I can hear the inner sounds of a small emotional digging crew. Am I prepared for an exhumation?

He will be here in five hours. My husband thinks I'm crazy. I hope I am not making a huge mistake. Oh, and Buddy is coming too.

Like I said, truth is stranger than fiction.

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As of this moment.

Bud is here.... in my house. My brother is here too... in my house. Its surreal and weird and odd and crazy all in one bag. Everyone has been on their best behavior. My brother and I even managed to laugh a few times and cut sideways glances at one another while Bud was jabbering on about something. Sigh. Its not so bad (really), at least not this second, but I opened my mouth too soon. I should have given more time to think about how I wanted to handle it. Maybe I shouldn't have volunteered for them to stay the night. Yes... I know, I know. What. Was. I. Thinking? Things always seem like a better idea to me at first thought and then after I chew on it for an hour... well, let's just say that I wish I had given this some more thought.

Its easy for most people to understand how I could hate Bud - its harder for people to understand why I would want to extend the olive branch and the only way I can explain it is sweater ambivalence. Just hear me out. Walk with me to your closet. You know that sweater you have in the very back? Maybe its not a sweater - maybe its a blouse or a dress - but for these purposes its a sweater. It doesn't fit quite right, you've never liked it, and you own way better pieces but for some reason you just can't make yourself get rid of it. Every year when you go through your closet and make that bag for a Goodwill run, you think about tossing the sweater in there but because you bought it on sale or someone gave it to you or whatever excuse you've made, you keep it. You tell yourself that maybe you'll wear it if you lose a few more pounds... maybe you'll wear it when the right occassion comes up.... maybe it wouldn't look so bad with the right pants... maybe with the right shoes. So in the closet it stays. You have no intentions of wearing it but you're not quite ready to part with it. I know you have something like that in your closet. I do too. And my relationship with Bud is just like sweater ambivalence. I have extended an olive branch I had no intentions of extending at a time I wasn't planning for reasons I am still trying to uncover. And that's just how it is.